The Hard Part

My heart literally hurts. I lost someone who had such a huge grip on my heart, that everytime I saw him it was all I could do not to smile. Ben was a good person, he was going to be a Senior in high school this year and his Mom, Lisa, was an amazing woman, who like Ben, always gave you those million dollar hugs. My heart hurts. It hurts for Ben and Mrs. Lisa, it hurts for Jay and Mr. Don. I can barely put into words what I am feeling at this moment, but I know that I should at least try. It still doesn't seem real, it doesn't seem fair, but I know that God has a perfect plan.

There hass a reason why my Ben and his beautiful Mother were taken away from us, why they're gone. I am going to be honest and say that I am having a very hard time trying to figure out what exactly that reason might be, but in my heart of hearts I know they are dancing before Jesus, rejoicing and wanting us to understand that they are where they want to be, they are with Him. In my mind, I just know that they aren't here. Ben won't be there to give me one of his amazing hugs and ask me when I was going to break Corey's heart and and run away with him. Mrs. Lisa won't be there to smile at me and ask how I have been doing, because all that I can think is why God, why them? Is that me being selfish? Of course it is! But in the midst of all of this chaos and brokenness, I know in my heart that this isn't permanent.

As a Christian, I can rest in assurance that I will see Ben and Mrs. Lisa again one day, but that "one day" isn't soon enough. I remember another good friend of mine, Grady Johnson, talking about losing his Mom, saying how he knew it wasn't goodbye, it was "I'll see you later" and I cling to that promise, I cherish it. Right now, I miss Ben, I know I always will. That saying, "you never know what you have until it's gone," very true! I want to turn back the clock and call Ben and tell him he can come over to my house and jump off my roof into the pool anytime he wants, tell him how much he means to EVERYONE and how his life was a shining example of love and happiness. How his Mom is such an amazing person, how great of a woman she is, and how lucky I was to have known both of them.

Ben touched my heart, he made a deep impact on my life, through his kindness and honesty, and I promise that there won't be a single day that goes by that I won't think about him or Mrs. Lisa. I attended a service last night in our Youth Building at church in memory of Ben and Mrs. Lisa and I felt a lot of hurt, a lot of pain walking into those doors. By the time I left, after hearing everything everyone had to say about Ben and actually laughing at some of their memories, I started feeling blessed, blessed by the sheer fact that I knew such a nice person like Ben. He was one of a kind, and he left some big shoes to fill. It couldn't of been said any better than it was last night that Ben lived more in his 17 short years than most people do in 50 years. I know if you had a choice Ben, you would rather stay where you are now. I have a peace that surpasses all understanding, knowing that our Lord and Savior has taken you home and is holding you closely in his arms this very moment. You are and will be forever in my heart, and I will miss you Ben and Mrs. Lisa.

Heaven has gained two more angels, I love you Ben-Jammin and Mrs. Lisa, know you'll always be in my heart. Until we see each other again.